It should be a rainy as well as sunny day with bird chirping and nothing else. I don’t know how old I would be, but I would see Fannie with her beautiful eyes smiling at me.

Watching Fannie growing is like seeing more of me and even more beyond me. How much can I still grow and how will she think about me as a mother when she realizes more about the world? I sometimes think I am educating Fannie in a way that I wanted my mom treated me, more trust and more possibilities. What kind of possibilities can I lead Fannie to, and will she be strong enough to explore and to conquer?

Sometimes I don’t know where I am going to. But in front of Fannie, I have to be certain. I have fear about certainty and uncertainty. They both can blind humans’ minds. However, Fannie has been growing very well and I believe she can be full of the energy for the each day coming to her. Fannie is confident when she tells us what to do and what not to do; Fannie is content when she admires the beauty of the flowers; and she is definitely curious about everything around her when she asks how she can see Santa again.

Seeing Fannie’s confidence, content, and happiness fulfills me as a mother as well as a human being. If time stops here, I will be satisfied since what we can remember before our death is not life but moments.

I cherish these moments as a mother, and nothing is more fulfilling.

昨天在書房封箱，貼標籤，搬箱子。巧晴一附很想知道我再做什麼，急切切的從二樓滑到一樓的書房，mommy mommy 的一直叫。「好吧，我教妳怎麼弄好了。」我教巧晴怎麼把膠帶貼在箱子上，用手壓一下貼緊；怎麼把標籤對正貼在箱子上。兩歲的巧晴學習成熟度比我想像高很多，她學東西的架勢很好。我在解釋的時候他很安靜聽，一副很認真思考的樣子，同時也把步驟記得很牢。一個動作結束，她就會這邊那邊了起來，告訴我下一個步驟是要做什麼，真是厲害。

貼完箱子，就是搬箱子了。因為箱子的重量都不輕，我就跟巧晴一起搬。巧晴在箱子的一頭，我在箱子的另一頭，由我來指揮箱子要放在哪。搬了一箱，巧晴很有興趣的又搬了另一箱。到了三箱，我打算考驗一下巧晴的體力，便指著房間遠端角落的沙灘排球說：「把這一箱搬到那邊，就是球的旁邊。」巧晴跟著我把箱子搬了幾步，看看遠端的球，遲疑了一會兒，決定把箱子放下來。我正心想這小女子大概搬不動了，只見巧晴搖搖擺擺跑去把球給拿了過來，放在箱子的旁邊。

我愣了一下，便倒在地上捧腹大笑。對啊，幹嘛那麼麻煩搬那麼重的箱子，直接把球拿過來不就讓箱子在球的旁邊了嗎？哇，這麼小就有反向思考能力，還是這個小朋友實在太厲害了。這種”化繁為簡”的思考模式真像巧晴老爸，Like father like daughter.

「LAN-MU, LAN-MU。」

我跟香菇韜每每聽到巧晴的「LAN-MU」就相視而笑，因為我們知道巧晴現在心中的第一號偶像是代父從軍的木蘭(MULAN)。姑且不論為何MULAN會變成LANMU，巧晴崇拜木蘭的程度可以說是跌破我們的眼鏡。除了早晚三稱木蘭名號之外，只要拿到長形的東西，例如長尺，巧晴就會雙手煞有介事地翻轉起尺來，並吆喝個兩聲，一副準備好殺敵的樣子。

若說巧晴有扮演正義者角色的天賦，就得感謝香菇韜在巧晴為出生前所施行的胎教。巧晴在羊水裡沒”聽”過幾部電影，Kill Bil Volume 2 還有北野武的座頭市，想必得到巧晴不少共鳴。因為爸爸強調這兩部片都是暴力美學的經典，並沒有負面的胎教影響，所以說服了巧晴的媽媽帶著巧晴重複看了幾遍DVD。

這胎教或許頗為成功，讓巧晴很快速地就抓到了MULAN卡通的重點：木蘭是英雄，我也要學武功像她一樣，打壞人。所以當壞蛋在MULAN中出現時，巧晴就會發出「ㄡㄡ」的聲音，表示這下麻煩大了。接下來她就會指著電視說LANMU，LANMU，呼喊木蘭出來打壞蛋。我在一旁看了真是一則以喜、一則以憂。喜的是，哇，這個小鬼真不簡單，學的真快；憂的是，這樣會不會太暴力？不過在這充滿危險的社會，會打壞人還是比較好一點。

不過伸張正義的感覺似乎真的很吸引小孩。我在幼稚園教書的時候，小朋友最喜歡音樂老師帶來的歌曲Kung Fu Kick. 平時上音樂課老師很難讓小朋友聽話，不過Kung Fu Kick 從來不讓老師失望。只要唱起Kung Fu Kick，小朋友聲音既宏亮又整齊，再加上可以踢個幾腳，打個幾拳，Kung fu Kick 老是贏得滿堂彩。

或許小孩的心裡都住著一個英雄吧。巧晴現在的英雄是木蘭，以後呢，大概也可以代父完成任務了。嗯…好像聽到香菇韜在說：『妳想的美喔。我看我們先是被她都打倒才是。』

It is good to do something without a real financial or social purpose. I sometimes think it is good to be a talented writer or artist. Then what you are interested in doing can also be your career. When I was in my youth, I spent lots of time playing, traveling, and enjoying whatever my interests can bring me. I never calculated the percentage of time spent on creating financial or social value for the future. What I wanted was very simple, being happy and staying happy.

Was it kind of irresponsible and childish? Maybe not. What I understand now is that being in charge of our own happiness is a person’s very first and important life responsibility. The content of happiness is the same throughout the lifetime. The difference is that how we take the life responsibility seriously and at the same time stay happy and contend about what we can do and what we have. It is challenging but we all have to face it.

I am not jealous for anyone’s wealth but I can be so jealous if someone told me “I am so happy and this is what I want.” I can suddenly become a little person standing in others’ “happy shadow”. It is restless to go after others’ wealth and happiness. It is quite hard to let go many things such as being able to travel as much as I can, have lots of money to raise my social value, and live in a place close to town as well as to a mountain. But, I have to let the obsession go somewhere and kiss them goodbye. It is just very true that I am not a work-for-money type of person. Once I start to work-for-money, I can hate myself so much.

So, I am back here doing something without true purpose but making myself contend. “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet. And so are you.” See you later, my friends.

“The tea was from last spring. It should not be too good. Try it. What do you think?”
“Hmm, you are right. It is not as fresh as the tea I used to have in the mountain at home.”

I did not tell Mr. Jim Labe that the tea he made was the best I had in years. And, the conversations we shared eased my homesickness in an unforgettable way. I came across Teahouse Kaun Yin when I was doing market research in the neighborhood. I took a peek in the store and decided to go in because the bulks of tea were whispering the loneliness at my ears.

Jim showed up behind the counter with a very easy smile and relax manner. It seemed like he was ready for a friend to come in asking for a tissue paper or something. “Do you have Chinese tea?” I asked. “Oh, Yes. What’s your favorite?” From Jim’s smile, I knew he probably had my love, Wen Shang Bao Jong from Taiwan. I felt my face was blushed when Jim took out a bag of my favorite from somewhere. After my brain turned back from the blank, I saw Jim was serving the tea with a set of white Chinese tea pot. From the way he made the tea, I could tell he knew the temperament of the tea and the philosophy of tea tasting.

“I believe tea tasting is more like a journey. You have to sit down with a friend, finish a pot, feel the whole process, and you can speak about the tea.” It was not a surprise to me that Jim has been in tea consulting business for years and he is probably the true tea expert currently in the United States. Once he was interviewed on MSNBC with a Yi-shing tea pot and a bag of tea from Nantao, Taiwan. “You probably need to know the tea is from a place where people are suffering from an earthquake.” This was what he said to the audience.

I guess it was 1999 when I visited Nantao last time. Compared to Jim, I traveled less to Taiwan and more in the United States these years. For Jim, Taiwan is a place embracing the great nature to cultivate fine teas. For me Taiwan is a place with my beloved families and a land only in the dream. When Jim asked, “Why cannot you go back to Taiwan often?” I remember I murmured through something I cannot even remember. Sometimes there is the homesickness hard to conquer especially when I realize I like Wen Shang Bao Jong more than English Breakfast.

Jim and I stood at the counter for an hour or so. We exchanged feeling of the teas and tea business ideas. Then, there was the subtleness of Wen Shang Bao Jong in the air. Seattle is still home. We made it here and nothing is more important than staying with people you love. The flavor of tea can be shared across nations as long as there is a sommelier like James (Jim) Labe.

Image: A gift from Mr. James Labe. Tea Sampler of Taiwanese Oolong. (I did not have a chance to taste it. Mushroom Tau had it all. )
Teahouse Choice: http://www.teahousechoice.com/

“Your products are not for our store. I am the owner and I made it quick.” I knew if I kept standing there I would get “Please leave” as a reward. So, I turned away quickly with an “Oh.” and the two boxes of my very first products. It was nothing to be embarrassed about, but something to be digested. When there are so many stores closing in town because of the downturn economy or bad business operations, the owner cannot be prouder of her long-standing presence in the community. But why is there the bad attitude?

Does the bad attitude do any good to the business or to the person who is trying to suggest a potential product to your store? I guess it is only good to personal feelings such as “triumphal” or “superior”. Suppliers, cooperators, and collaborators are not beggars. Unfortunately, in the personal and professional lives, I am usually the kind of person who supplies, cooperates, and collaborates. I saw lots of ugly faces and sometimes I dreamed about “It will be my turn to slam the door in your face next time.”

It is not a big deal to be excluded since I become more prepared each time. Frankly speaking, I enjoy seeing different kinds of faces and responses since I get the first hand information from whom I want to talk to. Direct and clear. Business games are everywhere. Over the internet, it is behind each screen. It is hard to imagine what customers look like or what they really want to say since you cannot feel the tones. In the physical world, you sense the reality. Feeling the connection (Man, I am not talking about the internet connection) and the reality is a big part of my life. It helped me realize that we are not alone and we cannot exist without others.

Mushroom Tau favors digging the numbers and digital data to tell the market and to calculate the next moves. Well, I think he is probably smarter, more effective, or anything you can use to describe the benefits of computer technologies. Calculation is important before a move. But putting yourself out there makes great points. I am definitely having more fun using my five senses just by being there physically.

Next time, when you feel like slamming the door in others’ faces, think of me grinning and having fun.

聽著友人深夜在電話裡有些疲憊的聲音，我心裡有著兩種非常衝突的感覺：「嗯，如果是我，我一樣會感到自責的，我想可能因為我做錯什麼事，或者什麼事沒做，所以讓小孩生病了。」然而，心裡另一個我卻痛苦的呼喊著：「不要再自責了，我們做的已經夠多了。為了小孩，我們甚至忘了要照顧自己，為了當一個好母親，我們妥協、繞道，為得是提供小孩一個比較好的生長環境與條件。然而，有許多人仍覺得我們做的不夠好，甚至是自己，這是為什麼？」

認識我婆婆的人，都知道她是一個盡責的母親與優秀的保母。我想身為一個母親沒有人可以比她付出得更多。巧晴出生之前，婆婆為了準備Baby的到來，提前一個月就來陪伴我們。看著正忙著畢業論文、胃腸時有不適、中年已有白髮的香菇韜，婆婆自個兒得在廚房啜泣了起來。我心裡忐忑不安，不知媽媽為什麼如此難過，便讓香菇韜前去安慰。媽媽說：「他體質就是遺傳我的，我真是擔心。看他這樣，我心裡真的很痛苦。都是因為喝我奶的關係。我體質冷，他也跟著冷。」聽了媽媽的話，我心裡跟著自責了起來：「都是因為我沒有把香菇韜照顧好，所以才讓媽媽那麼擔心。」

這自責的文化傾向是從何而來？是中國女人獨有的特質嗎？如果是，我們是從哪裡學習而來的？自責對於情緒或者事件的處理上有什麼樣的優缺點？我嘗試主觀回答這些問題，卻發現，當自責變成一種習慣、一種毫無理由的情緒處理方式時，就成為非常負面的心理自殘行為。可怕的是，自責具有相當的感染能力，尤其是對於在中國文化裡成長的女人。

中國傳統的女人，是服侍者，是被檢視的角色，把一家大小服侍好是爭取認同的唯一道路。自責的文化於是找到了一個良好的溫床：所有的錯都是女人的錯。老爺發不了財是娶得太太沒能帶來幫夫運；兒子早么是跟母親八字相沖。家裡大大小小事情不順都得算到女人的頭上。所以如果事情不對了，女人會不由自主的想：「大概是我錯了。」 雖然現在不比古代，女性有求知求權的能力，然而一但進入家庭，傳統角色的壓力不逕而來。

常聽人說:「嫁了人了，就要以夫以子為重。女人畢竟是女人，鋒芒不要外露。」我反覆思想這句話，咀嚼再三，似乎了解其中暗藏的玄機：女人妳的名字是女人，不是阿狗阿貓。既然是女人，所以要做次要的角色。次要就是以別人的意見為意見，以別人的觀點為觀點。所以我們常自責，因為在傳統的觀點裡，我們沒有把該做的事情做好；於是我們常覺得自己做得不夠多，因為我們不但要是一個現代女性，也必須是一個傳統的女性。

自責，從上一代傳到下一代。自責的母親，容易教育出自責的女兒；自責的母親，也容易很自然地把傳統檢視的角度與壓力感染給自己的下一代。自責使我們失去正視問題的能量，也讓我們的自信不斷地被啃蝕。我或許是一個容易自責的女人，然而我卻希望我的後半人生可以在比較健康的心理狀態下好好得當TING，蕭向婷。

B 的媽媽，妳已經做得夠好了。沒有一個人可以做到完美，我們是媽媽也是人。B 一樣愛妳，因為你是給他溫暖與照顧的媽媽，而不是能夠讓他不生病的超人。

「下雨了、下雨了。」
我向窗外一探頭，外面出著太陽，沒有下雨。

不知道巧晴腦袋瓜裡是怎麼理解「下雨了」這個詞。根據一些狀況猜測，巧晴應該知道「雨」是什麼。戴上帽子，她說下雨了；出門坐在車子裡看見雨刷在動，巧晴表示她知道在下雨；更妙的是看見牆角的雨傘，她便急著要我撐傘，連忙說下雨。於是以女為榮的香菇韜自豪地說：「Fannie不是亂說的，她知道下雨是什麼。」

然而，巧晴說下雨的頻率越來越高，在任何時間、任何地點，巧晴都會說「下雨了」。她指著天花板說下雨、進超級市場說下雨；陰天說下雨，晴天也說下雨。西雅圖的冬天是多雨的季節，我們的感受更為深刻，因為巧晴不但會天氣報導，我想她應該有呼風喚雨的能力，否則雨不會跟巧晴說的一樣天天都在下，一下就是一個月了。我們應該教教巧晴如何說「出太陽」，來寄望西雅圖的春天能有多一點的陽光。

根據幼兒語言發展學，巧晴應該是把「下雨了」這個詞概化了(Generalization)。幼兒認知發展與語言學習是相輔相成的。在小朋友開始快速學習字彙，也就是經歷所謂的(Vocabulary Spurt) 時，小腦代瓜裡會利用所學習的語言將身邊的事物與經驗分類。例如巧晴說下雨了有可能代表她看見水滴或者黑黑的雲。再例如，有些小朋友以ㄅㄨㄅㄨ來代表所有會移動了東西。這種很粗略的分類方式會隨著經驗與理解語言的能力增強，而變得更精準。下次如果小朋友看見貓，說是狗狗，你就不會很訝異囉。

在計畫創業的同時，我常常想到我的父親。

明年爸爸成立的公司，即將邁入第30個年度。30 年前台灣創業的環境想必艱難，一個人單打獨鬥是怎麼闢出一條路的？根據統計數字，80%新成立的公司在十年內都已退出市場，而爸爸是怎麼面對一次一次的關卡，奮力不懈地擠出自己的生存空間？媽媽常常告訴我們爸爸創業的故事，這些故事聽起來很有戲劇性、很有趣，也讓我們對白手起家的父親多了瞭解與尊敬。

哥哥六歲的生日那一天，爸爸的公司正式成立。我們的成長史，離不開爸爸公司的成長史。記得小時候在家裡做家庭手工，幫公司的產品包裝，貼標簽。不久，傳統的家庭手工變成了到工廠幫忙分類、裝箱，進而變成跟在爸爸屁股後面向忙著工作的叔叔阿姨打招呼。我們小時候的家庭旅遊通常是跟公司的活動與旅遊並行，家裡燒香拜佛祈求的也都是希望爸爸的公司順順利利。有一兩次公司半夜遭小偷或者失火，爸爸都以幫我們打怪獸的速度衝出家門。雖然我們不清楚詳細的損失狀況，不過看見爸媽的眉頭揪成一團，哥哥和我會很知趣的把自己該做的事做好，不要讓爸媽操心。三十年來，我所認識的爸爸不斷地耕耘著他所決定做的事，從不向後看。爸爸的座右銘是：『決定做一件事，就要把它做好，否則就不要開始。』。

隨著產業環境的改變，科技的新興，有越來越多的人能夠在短期間內募集資金甚至致富。在現今書店充斥著如何短時間致富及提早退休出版品的同時，不知道老一代的創業者是否會感嘆有些年輕人把創業想得太容易？我沒有閱讀過很多創業者的故事，不過爸爸的形象足已體現身為一個組織的領導者，應該不斷自修並讓自己至少具有：

決心與戰鬥的準備：擁有一個事業並不難，堅定的意志與充足的準備，才能足以在狂風暴雨的黑夜、又冷又飢餓的狀態下，帶領人員游到對岸。身為領隊，不但自己要存活，同時也肩負組織裡人員的安全。（經過登山領隊訓練的香菇韜及Little Po 應該會身有同感。）

毅力與計畫成功的耐心：追求企業的生存與成功是一條永遠沒有終點的道路。如果上了路，就得無時無刻保持清晰的頭腦，具體地計畫下一步。該撤退、該換跑道、該求救援、還是該繼續往前划？如果失去解決問題的耐心與毅力，慌亂且失去領導的組織足以在非常短的時間內翻船。

閱讀時勢與不斷改進的虛心：世界不斷地變化，經濟、社會、人文時有改變。對一個開創者而言，故步自封、自以為是，是最大的致命傷。一個組織需要有容納不同專才的氣度，身為領導者更需要具有閱讀時事與鑑賞人才的眼光。常常有經驗者倚老賣老，或者睜眼說瞎話，殊不知有清楚頭腦、願意建言的人，才正是使組織進步的推手。

有所為有所不為的判斷力：想要賺錢是不是應該什麼錢都賺？該不該投入，該投入多少？企業的準則在哪裡，與準則不一的事情該不該通融？應該大賺還是小賠？應該走快還是走慢？隨著條件的不同，每一次的決策都是獨立的判斷，身為組織的舵手，得學會拿捏分寸、計算得失，並負起責任。

這些創業及企業領導者應該努力的方向，聽起來似乎頗為八股，然卻是中肯的敘述。或許有些公司非常幸運的成功，然而我相信多半的企業都是血汗的結晶，即使有幸運的時候，也絕非可以成為成功的要素。我的爸爸一向不投機，也或者他不適合從事投機型的產業。現在他所擁有的，算不清是賺出來還是賠出來的。然而，就這麼一步一腳印，他所創立的公司製造了許多好的就業機會，也在台灣累積了無價的產業經驗。

這些從父親創業而來的體會，曾經在我自以為聰明，自以為是的想法裡消失。如今再一次沈澱，不禁讓我感嘆創業維艱，也想對父親說 『Man, You did a very good job.』 雖然新的衝擊不斷而來，父親很難放下心，不過真希望有一天爸爸可以退休，跟媽媽有些時間閒散地遊山玩水。記得爸爸說他工作的時候就是在休息，我想年輕一輩的大概沒有人這麼想吧。

創業維艱，希望我有爸爸的十分之一，能讓我的想法具體的實現。

失眠的夜總是特別長。

我索性仔細聆聽起香菇韜的打呼聲，順便為他聽診一下。「嗯……有鼻水聲、喉嚨有痰，大概明早會喉嚨痛……那是不是要強迫他滴幾滴易媽媽推薦的蜂膠在喉嚨，增強抵抗力一下？]想著想著，覺得自己大概是全西雅圖此時此刻最無聊的老婆。 「嗯……iPod Shuffle 可能可以幫上點忙，可是不知道香菇韜把它放到哪了。乾脆起床看電視好了。」搖頭晃腦地走到樓下把電視打開，心想無聊的購物頻道應該最具催眠作用。然而，看著看著，我的眼睛睜得越來越大，心裡越來越難受，最後還因為廣告，答應每個月從口袋掏出9塊錢。

不過每個月九塊錢，大概是我目前生活花費中最有意義的一項支出。 ABC, Abandoned Baby Center, 照顧世界上被遺棄兩歲以下的孤兒。這些孤兒大部分是貧窮家庭的小孩，有些是來自愛滋家庭，感染愛滋。這些寶寶出生就被遺棄在醫院、公共場所，甚或是荒郊野外受著風吹日曬。他們被人發現時仍堅強著活著，因而進入了ABC 的照料。看到電視裡三個月才七磅的小孩、因為被太陽曬傷留有疤痕的小身體，實在非常不忍。任何一個母親，都能感受到哺育是一種強烈的本能，除非萬不得已，才會讓自己的下一代在接觸這個世界的第一刻那麼的孤獨、無助。

真的該感謝這世界上有人願意接受並照顧這些被遺棄的小孩，我不知道還有什麼比這件事情更偉大。如果誕生是為了飽受摧殘並恐懼地等待死亡，這些小生命就不會奇蹟似地活著。我相信因為ABC的努力，這些被解救的生命，除了延續、更會茁壯與快樂。我們似乎不能救世界上的每一個人，不過一個月9塊錢美金可以為ABC的嬰兒帶來更完整的醫療與實質的幫助。一個月9塊錢，我為Fannie 省下買玩具的錢，幫助其他同年齡沒有爸爸媽媽在身邊的小朋友。

如果你也想幫助ABC，請點文章上方的小朋友圖片。或者是直接到ABC的網頁： http://www.feedthechildren.org/site/PageServer?pagename=abc_homepage

失眠的夜，良夜。