Posts filed under '向婷，About Me'
I have been thinking about death a lot recently.
It should be a rainy as well as sunny day with bird chirping and nothing else. I don’t know how old I would be, but I would see Fannie with her beautiful eyes smiling at me.
Watching Fannie growing is like seeing more of me and even more beyond me. How much can I still grow and how will she think about me as a mother when she realizes more about the world? I sometimes think I am educating Fannie in a way that I wanted my mom treated me, more trust and more possibilities. What kind of possibilities can I lead Fannie to, and will she be strong enough to explore and to conquer?
Sometimes I don’t know where I am going to. But in front of Fannie, I have to be certain. I have fear about certainty and uncertainty. They both can blind humans’ minds. However, Fannie has been growing very well and I believe she can be full of the energy for the each day coming to her. Fannie is confident when she tells us what to do and what not to do; Fannie is content when she admires the beauty of the flowers; and she is definitely curious about everything around her when she asks how she can see Santa again.
Seeing Fannie’s confidence, content, and happiness fulfills me as a mother as well as a human being. If time stops here, I will be satisfied since what we can remember before our death is not life but moments.
I cherish these moments as a mother, and nothing is more fulfilling.
February 9th, 2007
Blogging is a pure interest.
It is good to do something without a real financial or social purpose. I sometimes think it is good to be a talented writer or artist. Then what you are interested in doing can also be your career. When I was in my youth, I spent lots of time playing, traveling, and enjoying whatever my interests can bring me. I never calculated the percentage of time spent on creating financial or social value for the future. What I wanted was very simple, being happy and staying happy.
Was it kind of irresponsible and childish? Maybe not. What I understand now is that being in charge of our own happiness is a person’s very first and important life responsibility. The content of happiness is the same throughout the lifetime. The difference is that how we take the life responsibility seriously and at the same time stay happy and contend about what we can do and what we have. It is challenging but we all have to face it.
I am not jealous for anyone’s wealth but I can be so jealous if someone told me “I am so happy and this is what I want.” I can suddenly become a little person standing in others’ “happy shadow”. It is restless to go after others’ wealth and happiness. It is quite hard to let go many things such as being able to travel as much as I can, have lots of money to raise my social value, and live in a place close to town as well as to a mountain. But, I have to let the obsession go somewhere and kiss them goodbye. It is just very true that I am not a work-for-money type of person. Once I start to work-for-money, I can hate myself so much.
So, I am back here doing something without true purpose but making myself contend. “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet. And so are you.” See you later, my friends.
May 5th, 2006
I did not feel much when the arrogant store owner slammed the door in my face.
“Your products are not for our store. I am the owner and I made it quick.” I knew if I kept standing there I would get “Please leave” as a reward. So, I turned away quickly with an “Oh.” and the two boxes of my very first products. It was nothing to be embarrassed about, but something to be digested. When there are so many stores closing in town because of the downturn economy or bad business operations, the owner cannot be prouder of her long-standing presence in the community. But why is there the bad attitude?
Does the bad attitude do any good to the business or to the person who is trying to suggest a potential product to your store? I guess it is only good to personal feelings such as “triumphal” or “superior”. Suppliers, cooperators, and collaborators are not beggars. Unfortunately, in the personal and professional lives, I am usually the kind of person who supplies, cooperates, and collaborates. I saw lots of ugly faces and sometimes I dreamed about “It will be my turn to slam the door in your face next time.”
It is not a big deal to be excluded since I become more prepared each time. Frankly speaking, I enjoy seeing different kinds of faces and responses since I get the first hand information from whom I want to talk to. Direct and clear. Business games are everywhere. Over the internet, it is behind each screen. It is hard to imagine what customers look like or what they really want to say since you cannot feel the tones. In the physical world, you sense the reality. Feeling the connection (Man, I am not talking about the internet connection) and the reality is a big part of my life. It helped me realize that we are not alone and we cannot exist without others.
Mushroom Tau favors digging the numbers and digital data to tell the market and to calculate the next moves. Well, I think he is probably smarter, more effective, or anything you can use to describe the benefits of computer technologies. Calculation is important before a move. But putting yourself out there makes great points. I am definitely having more fun using my five senses just by being there physically.
Next time, when you feel like slamming the door in others’ faces, think of me grinning and having fun.
March 6th, 2006
「Ting啊 ，B氣喘住院了。我現在正在病床旁邊陪他，他好可憐，我覺得很難過，都是我沒有把他照顧好。」
聽著友人深夜在電話裡有些疲憊的聲音，我心裡有著兩種非常衝突的感覺：「嗯，如果是我，我一樣會感到自責的，我想可能因為我做錯什麼事，或者什麼事沒做，所以讓小孩生病了。」然而，心裡另一個我卻痛苦的呼喊著：「不要再自責了，我們做的已經夠多了。為了小孩，我們甚至忘了要照顧自己，為了當一個好母親，我們妥協、繞道，為得是提供小孩一個比較好的生長環境與條件。然而，有許多人仍覺得我們做的不夠好，甚至是自己，這是為什麼？」
認識我婆婆的人，都知道她是一個盡責的母親與優秀的保母。我想身為一個母親沒有人可以比她付出得更多。巧晴出生之前，婆婆為了準備Baby的到來，提前一個月就來陪伴我們。看著正忙著畢業論文、胃腸時有不適、中年已有白髮的香菇韜，婆婆自個兒得在廚房啜泣了起來。我心裡忐忑不安，不知媽媽為什麼如此難過，便讓香菇韜前去安慰。媽媽說：「他體質就是遺傳我的，我真是擔心。看他這樣，我心裡真的很痛苦。都是因為喝我奶的關係。我體質冷，他也跟著冷。」聽了媽媽的話，我心裡跟著自責了起來：「都是因為我沒有把香菇韜照顧好，所以才讓媽媽那麼擔心。」
這自責的文化傾向是從何而來？是中國女人獨有的特質嗎？如果是，我們是從哪裡學習而來的？自責對於情緒或者事件的處理上有什麼樣的優缺點？我嘗試主觀回答這些問題，卻發現，當自責變成一種習慣、一種毫無理由的情緒處理方式時，就成為非常負面的心理自殘行為。可怕的是，自責具有相當的感染能力，尤其是對於在中國文化裡成長的女人。
中國傳統的女人，是服侍者，是被檢視的角色，把一家大小服侍好是爭取認同的唯一道路。自責的文化於是找到了一個良好的溫床：所有的錯都是女人的錯。老爺發不了財是娶得太太沒能帶來幫夫運；兒子早么是跟母親八字相沖。家裡大大小小事情不順都得算到女人的頭上。所以如果事情不對了，女人會不由自主的想：「大概是我錯了。」 雖然現在不比古代，女性有求知求權的能力，然而一但進入家庭，傳統角色的壓力不逕而來。
常聽人說:「嫁了人了，就要以夫以子為重。女人畢竟是女人，鋒芒不要外露。」我反覆思想這句話，咀嚼再三，似乎了解其中暗藏的玄機：女人妳的名字是女人，不是阿狗阿貓。既然是女人，所以要做次要的角色。次要就是以別人的意見為意見，以別人的觀點為觀點。所以我們常自責，因為在傳統的觀點裡，我們沒有把該做的事情做好；於是我們常覺得自己做得不夠多，因為我們不但要是一個現代女性，也必須是一個傳統的女性。
自責，從上一代傳到下一代。自責的母親，容易教育出自責的女兒；自責的母親，也容易很自然地把傳統檢視的角度與壓力感染給自己的下一代。自責使我們失去正視問題的能量，也讓我們的自信不斷地被啃蝕。我或許是一個容易自責的女人，然而我卻希望我的後半人生可以在比較健康的心理狀態下好好得當TING，蕭向婷。
B 的媽媽，妳已經做得夠好了。沒有一個人可以做到完美，我們是媽媽也是人。B 一樣愛妳，因為你是給他溫暖與照顧的媽媽，而不是能夠讓他不生病的超人。
February 2nd, 2006
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