Archive for October, 2005
Driving south on the I-405 in a sunny early morning was enjoyable. It seemed like the Mount Rainer was in my arm with its breathtaking quietness pounding on my heart.
I may be not an adventurer, but I love mountains and used to like climbing them. Being burried in homemaking and childcaring is surely not an excuse for not refreshing myself through the ourdoor challenges. Hence, I had a thought of climbing Mt. Rainer right at the moment when I eyed its beauty.
I talked to Mushroom Tau about the idea and suggested do the training and climb it together when parents can help us take care of Fannie. “Hmm… I don’t think it is a good idea. Even we really want to go, we cannot go together. We have Fannie now. There was a person falling from the moutain recently.” I could feel the hesitance in Tau’s tone. Tau used to love mountain climbing. What’s happened? Well, I almost forgot I am a mother when I was in the excitement. Right, who is gonna take care of Fannie if we both have accidents? Right, who can put Fannie to sleep if I have an accident? Fannie will be a poor girl if she does not have a mommy or daddy. Or, right, when you become a parent, you are not yourself alone anymore.
I remember the first time I went skiing when Fannie was five month old, I was frightened even on the easy blue line. I had that weird feeling about losing myself and Fannie. I fell down again and again like I had never skiied before. I kept thinking what made me so different? Was I weaker, less competitive, or was I just not fully recoverd from the tiredness of being on 24/7 childcare duty? More or less, I knew there was something new about the conern or say responsbility, which was not included in the preparation list for a ski trip before.
I am a mother but I am also a person who has interests and dreams. Most mothers compromise for a balance between keeping the family on track and having their dreams fullfilled. I do too and I can feel the fine line between compromising and excusing ourselves. We love Fannie and the conern will always be there. Yet, it seems to be more important to have a full preparation before doing things than not to do it at all.
It is not luxurious to think about going to a mountain. I just need to make sure I will have a well return for my family.
- photo source from http://www.peakware.com/peaks.html?pk=213-
October 26th, 2005
「早也彩霞滿天，暮也彩霞滿天……。」喜歡瓊瑤電影的人，大概都記得這首歌。雖然我不是瓊瑤迷，也是會哼上這一兩句的。
『彩霞滿天』是1979年由林青霞和秦漢主演的電影。因為哥哥的一封E-mail，才依稀記得自己看過這部片。不過當時還是幼稚園的我實在記不得電影內容，更別說對於瓊瑤阿姨的劇作會有特別的觀感。為了看這部老片，發現了一個好的老電影下載網站。帶著期待的心情，嘴裡嚼著說是為Fannie準備Trick-or-Treat的巧克力，哭哭笑笑地看完了這部片。哥哥有兩個跟我相同的嗜好：看電影跟吃東西。然而，哥哥喜歡的電影通常都跟我不太一樣。『彩霞滿天』算是例外，我想是因為那二塊錢就可以一滿杯的甘蔗汁。
書培是個窮藝術系的學生，口袋裡只有兩枚一元的硬幣。天氣很熱，愛的小窩裡的采芹快要受不住了，怎有辦法再忍受書培的責備。采芹哭了，書培自責極了，衝到樓下買了一杯甘蔗汁。「采芹，你看。一杯甘蔗汁要四塊錢，我只有兩塊錢，他竟然給了我一滿杯。你說這世界是不是還頗有人情味的?」先撇開讓香菇韜和我啼笑皆非的瓊瑤式對白，看了這段讓我的心裡亂難受的。甘蔗汁加上人情味，都到那兒去了呢？
哥哥在客戶的訂單間來來回回的奔走，我想他最清楚什麼是現實。在這個什麼都商業化的時代，凡事都講專業、論利益交換。如果有人情，那是天賜的；如果有賣甘蔗汁的，也會有分大、中、小杯。錢不夠，買小的；沒有錢，下一個。社會價值變了，瓊瑤式的飛蛾撲火式情感也似乎失去了市場。現在青春偶像劇再也找不到口袋只有兩塊錢的書培，導演也很難以讓男女主角共飲一杯清涼甘蔗汁的方式來當結尾。雖然瓊瑤的電影現在看起來不切實際，而且相當突兀。不過，留在記憶中的彩霞總是很美，很純樸。
真希望趕快回到台灣，喝一杯板橋媽祖廟口黃石市場的甘蔗汁。我要加檸檬，而且是熱的。不知道攤子還在不在？
October 26th, 2005
[老師來了，老師來了。] 接下來大家的反應不是趕快就定位, 就是趕快跑。奇怪的是，我為什麼要跟著跑呢?他們說的老師是我媽媽耶。
從小我在[媽媽是老師]的陰影，或者說是庇護下長大的。我媽媽是老師這件事，可以讓我在家裡像在學校，也可以讓我在學校像在家裡。雖然在家裡，一樣要注意整潔秩序；要與兄長互敬互愛；做事情要不屈不撓，有始有終；要敦親睦鄰，守望相助；還要立志做大事。最讓我苦悶的是樣樣都得被打分數，而且從來不會有一百分，因為聽說這樣才有進步的空間。
在學校可舒服些了。雖然在學校，雨衣，水壺，便當，都可以到老師辦公室拿；生病了可以到老師辦公室休息；放學可以不用排路隊；當然還包括享受同學的注視的眼光。最重要的是，當你有一個是老師的爸媽，在校成績通常都會不錯。不是第一名，應該也有第二名。因此，我們這些爸媽是老師的小孩就自然而然成為一個類別，稱為: 老師的小孩。(注釋: 守規矩，通常成績好，模範生典型。但有膽子小,不喜冒險的傾向。)
我媽媽不但是老師，而且是明星老師。記得媽媽常帶我去學校附近的菜市場買菜。[老師，來給我買啦，我算你ㄎㄚ便宜。] [老師，這邊啦，我的柑子比較美啦。]看見老闆們爭先恐後搶著讓媽媽到攤子裡看看，心想媽媽的感覺不知像不像被追著要簽名的影視明星。當然，要成為明星老師，享受買菜打折，年年堆積如山的中秋禮餅，也是得有好幾把刷子的。除了教學方法得要領，重要的是要能夠眼觀四面，耳聽八方；要精讀心術，還得樣樣通, 說是得像如來佛也不為過。難怪我們老是覺得什麼事都逃不過媽媽的手掌心。媽媽的大眼睛可以測謊，高亢的聲音可以不用麥克風陣住一個體育場的吵雜。難，難，這真的是非常難。
我沒有想過要當老師，因為我已經有一個媽媽是老師了。她的影響力所及，已經讓我不用當老師都知道當老師的滋味了。然而，二十年後的現在，我卻成為一個老師。當我被讚美具有教學天份的時候，第一個想到的就是媽媽；當我被小搗蛋們氣得吹鬍子瞪眼睛，威脅利誘全都失效時，就不得不讚嘆明星媽媽的名副其實。站在講台上的老師，除了是自己，更是個導演兼編劇。要寫一齣好看的劇本，要導一齣精采的戲。節奏掌握要適當，還得有隨時變換腳本的能力，實在是不容易啊。
寫到這裡，想到媽媽可能會鼓勵我 [不要氣餒，再接再厲]，或者是 [這一次60分，下一次就80分了］。聽起來像是跟小學生說的，不過，難道不是這樣子的嗎? 沒想到過了許多年，我這才聽懂了母親的話。
October 21st, 2005
Fannie’s litte feet are stronger and faster day by day. Everywhere she had been to was messy but full of happiness. This is why daddy and mommy think it is ok to let the little monster scribble on the floor and pull out all the clothes in the closet. Beyond infancy, little Fannie knows where she can find surprises and how she can make wonders.
Fannie likes every drawer, box, shelf, and hole in the house. They are like magic boxes to her. ” I saw mommy getting something good to eat from this. Let me try to open it. Hoops! wrong way. Ok, here I go. Ouch, my fingers. They hurt. Wawawa..wawa…wa.. hmm… Mommy is not looking…no fun to be crying. Let me see what’s inside. Wow…Looks like something fun. Let me dump them out one by one, let me shake them, let me……. Mommy is not coming. Keep going. Faster! Faster!”
Fannie’s adventures usually involve crying: Fake crying, attention-getting crying, really-hurt crying, and getting-bored crying. These cryings usually end up with mommy or daddy’s rubbing Fannie’s fingers, head, or knees, pulling Fannie away, saying “no” to Fannie, or letting Fannie go. It is pretty typical for children at Fannie’s age to use crying as a strategy to get what they want. It is an age when children are testing their abilities to manipulate things around them, and seeking the balance between dependence and independence. Fannie is the same. Fannie cries if we don’t let her play whatever she wants to; She also cries if she simply feels unright. Fannie gets mad if we want to help her with things; She also gets mad if we don’t help. (hmm… why does this sound like me?)
As a parent, I start to wonder how I can let Fannie enjoy her adventures but keep her content and safe. How can I find the balance between how I want her to be like and she might want to be like? It is a unique question to every parent and may be also a question our parents had been asking themselves through our childhood. No parent can do a perfect job since parenting is too much about value and philosophy. How can I ask Fannie to agree on everything we do for her? What I can really hope for is Fannie can enjoy the autonomy and be happy and confident.
Looking at Fannie’s bright eyes and funny giggles, the enjoyment of being a parent is obvious. Yet, the responsbility is heavy. Twenty years from now, I still want to see my girl with that shinny eyes and smiles on her face. As happy as she is fascinated by the adventures, I feel fulfilled.
October 21st, 2005
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