I have been thinking about death a lot recently.
It should be a rainy as well as sunny day with bird chirping and nothing else. I don’t know how old I would be, but I would see Fannie with her beautiful eyes smiling at me.
Watching Fannie growing is like seeing more of me and even more beyond me. How much can I still grow and how will she think about me as a mother when she realizes more about the world? I sometimes think I am educating Fannie in a way that I wanted my mom treated me, more trust and more possibilities. What kind of possibilities can I lead Fannie to, and will she be strong enough to explore and to conquer?
Sometimes I don’t know where I am going to. But in front of Fannie, I have to be certain. I have fear about certainty and uncertainty. They both can blind humans’ minds. However, Fannie has been growing very well and I believe she can be full of the energy for the each day coming to her. Fannie is confident when she tells us what to do and what not to do; Fannie is content when she admires the beauty of the flowers; and she is definitely curious about everything around her when she asks how she can see Santa again.
Seeing Fannie’s confidence, content, and happiness fulfills me as a mother as well as a human being. If time stops here, I will be satisfied since what we can remember before our death is not life but moments.
I cherish these moments as a mother, and nothing is more fulfilling.
February 9th, 2007
兩歲的巧晴很喜歡幫忙。開車的時候，她會在後座嚷嚷：「這邊，那邊。」，順便加上手勢，意指要我左轉或右轉。如果我停在左車道準備左轉，他就會說：那邊，那邊，加上一些聽不懂的，意思是問我為什麼不停那邊的車道。(香菇韜可能會說我過度解釋)
昨天在書房封箱，貼標籤，搬箱子。巧晴一附很想知道我再做什麼，急切切的從二樓滑到一樓的書房，mommy mommy 的一直叫。「好吧，我教妳怎麼弄好了。」我教巧晴怎麼把膠帶貼在箱子上，用手壓一下貼緊；怎麼把標籤對正貼在箱子上。兩歲的巧晴學習成熟度比我想像高很多，她學東西的架勢很好。我在解釋的時候他很安靜聽，一副很認真思考的樣子，同時也把步驟記得很牢。一個動作結束，她就會這邊那邊了起來，告訴我下一個步驟是要做什麼，真是厲害。
貼完箱子，就是搬箱子了。因為箱子的重量都不輕，我就跟巧晴一起搬。巧晴在箱子的一頭，我在箱子的另一頭，由我來指揮箱子要放在哪。搬了一箱，巧晴很有興趣的又搬了另一箱。到了三箱，我打算考驗一下巧晴的體力，便指著房間遠端角落的沙灘排球說：「把這一箱搬到那邊，就是球的旁邊。」巧晴跟著我把箱子搬了幾步，看看遠端的球，遲疑了一會兒，決定把箱子放下來。我正心想這小女子大概搬不動了，只見巧晴搖搖擺擺跑去把球給拿了過來，放在箱子的旁邊。
我愣了一下，便倒在地上捧腹大笑。對啊，幹嘛那麼麻煩搬那麼重的箱子，直接把球拿過來不就讓箱子在球的旁邊了嗎？哇，這麼小就有反向思考能力，還是這個小朋友實在太厲害了。這種”化繁為簡”的思考模式真像巧晴老爸，Like father like daughter.
August 23rd, 2006
「LAN-MU, LAN-MU。」
我跟香菇韜每每聽到巧晴的「LAN-MU」就相視而笑，因為我們知道巧晴現在心中的第一號偶像是代父從軍的木蘭(MULAN)。姑且不論為何MULAN會變成LANMU，巧晴崇拜木蘭的程度可以說是跌破我們的眼鏡。除了早晚三稱木蘭名號之外，只要拿到長形的東西，例如長尺，巧晴就會雙手煞有介事地翻轉起尺來，並吆喝個兩聲，一副準備好殺敵的樣子。
若說巧晴有扮演正義者角色的天賦，就得感謝香菇韜在巧晴為出生前所施行的胎教。巧晴在羊水裡沒”聽”過幾部電影，Kill Bil Volume 2 還有北野武的座頭市，想必得到巧晴不少共鳴。因為爸爸強調這兩部片都是暴力美學的經典，並沒有負面的胎教影響，所以說服了巧晴的媽媽帶著巧晴重複看了幾遍DVD。
這胎教或許頗為成功，讓巧晴很快速地就抓到了MULAN卡通的重點：木蘭是英雄，我也要學武功像她一樣，打壞人。所以當壞蛋在MULAN中出現時，巧晴就會發出「ㄡㄡ」的聲音，表示這下麻煩大了。接下來她就會指著電視說LANMU，LANMU，呼喊木蘭出來打壞蛋。我在一旁看了真是一則以喜、一則以憂。喜的是，哇，這個小鬼真不簡單，學的真快；憂的是，這樣會不會太暴力？不過在這充滿危險的社會，會打壞人還是比較好一點。
不過伸張正義的感覺似乎真的很吸引小孩。我在幼稚園教書的時候，小朋友最喜歡音樂老師帶來的歌曲Kung Fu Kick. 平時上音樂課老師很難讓小朋友聽話，不過Kung Fu Kick 從來不讓老師失望。只要唱起Kung Fu Kick，小朋友聲音既宏亮又整齊，再加上可以踢個幾腳，打個幾拳，Kung fu Kick 老是贏得滿堂彩。
或許小孩的心裡都住著一個英雄吧。巧晴現在的英雄是木蘭，以後呢，大概也可以代父完成任務了。嗯…好像聽到香菇韜在說：『妳想的美喔。我看我們先是被她都打倒才是。』
May 8th, 2006
Blogging is a pure interest.
It is good to do something without a real financial or social purpose. I sometimes think it is good to be a talented writer or artist. Then what you are interested in doing can also be your career. When I was in my youth, I spent lots of time playing, traveling, and enjoying whatever my interests can bring me. I never calculated the percentage of time spent on creating financial or social value for the future. What I wanted was very simple, being happy and staying happy.
Was it kind of irresponsible and childish? Maybe not. What I understand now is that being in charge of our own happiness is a person’s very first and important life responsibility. The content of happiness is the same throughout the lifetime. The difference is that how we take the life responsibility seriously and at the same time stay happy and contend about what we can do and what we have. It is challenging but we all have to face it.
I am not jealous for anyone’s wealth but I can be so jealous if someone told me “I am so happy and this is what I want.” I can suddenly become a little person standing in others’ “happy shadow”. It is restless to go after others’ wealth and happiness. It is quite hard to let go many things such as being able to travel as much as I can, have lots of money to raise my social value, and live in a place close to town as well as to a mountain. But, I have to let the obsession go somewhere and kiss them goodbye. It is just very true that I am not a work-for-money type of person. Once I start to work-for-money, I can hate myself so much.
So, I am back here doing something without true purpose but making myself contend. “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet. And so are you.” See you later, my friends.
May 5th, 2006
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